For a pretty long time, I never imagined I could do half of the things I have done already, there was a period when insecurities ran though my bloodstream and hesitancy boiled up to my brim. The heart said one thing and brain denied instantly, like a reflex. I fancied performing in public but I wasn’t confident of the outcome, I dreamt of giving a speech but I wasn’t confident about my fluency, I wanted to write but I wasn’t confident of my language. I soon realized that in all the equations, confidence was the common factor. I needed to work on it, and it was time..
Now years later, one of the biggest achievements I’ve ever had till date is that I learned the art of confidence, to some extent I believe as I still continue to grow in it. I pushed myself a lot forward with few simple steps.. By acknowledging who I am, by loving more of what I was, and capitalizing on how I can better myself. I wanted to be confident right between the flaws and cracks I have and be so freakin positive about it, by being weird and being hopeful about it. I urged on the need to fill myself with confidence. I used to stand in front of the mirror and wonder why I am not loving myself as much as I should be, there was a bit of hate settling somewhere inside me, the hate that constantly whispered behind my ear that it is wrong to have physical and mental flaws. When I ran my hands though the ups and downs on my skin, the scars and cells, I felt the confidence that was right underneath, it was forever there, but it was covered by a thick layer of self hatred and that had to go. I badly needed a mental attitude shift, I pondered, what if I never watched a magazine, or a TV commercial, what if I had no idea about celebrities, would I still find myself with flaws and imperfection?. I stared right into my soul until that feeling softened, I came to terms that I should be contented and happy for what I am, unconditionally, and I needed to forgive myself.
I repeatedly kept telling inside my head, no one in the world knows everything, everyone is good and bad in something or the other, I need to endeavor, I needed to try, If I fall short at something, that means I can get closer the next time. The road to self confidence had its own share of potholes and dents. I needed to take risks, and they were incalculable, and one of them took me all the way to this city. I fell and stood up again, I had to repeat the mistakes to master them, and there was a lot of blunders and hurt in the path. I soon mastered the art of finding positivity in the darkest of times, I was recycling confidence from the trash inside me. I met a lot of people, I closely listened to them, the mediocre thoughts I had slowly replaced with more confident, sublime ones. Slowly music and dance came to aid, they were my solace and rescue, I used to repeat my songs as much as my heart wanted to. Playing my favorite track in my headphones and walking down a street, smiling for no good reason, I was starting to forgive myself and I was ready to be confident for no cause. I realized that confidence was something that was always inside me, and not something that I should conjure out of thin air only when I badly needed it, I needed to feel it in and out, which led me to gym. I started working out whenever I could, the positive rays of confidence shot out of me. I had my head held up high and mighty. I started to love myself infinitely. Once i recollect making a list of my achievements, I started off with the foolish, silliest things in my life to the most triumphant achievement I can ever imagine, the list went endless and the confidence I gained was limitless. I wanted to know how many things I can be proud of, I wanted to ask myself why I wasn’t taking pride of all these things. Write your own list and let it go on for pages and pages if it should…
The bottom line is.. be really patient with yourself, and be extremely tolerant, but don’t give up in that process, and don’t worry if the switch which takes you from your ‘paralyzed self doubt mode’ to your ‘wholehearted self love mode’ takes sometime to flip. Allow time to grab all your pieces and complete your jigsaw puzzle, let time perfect you. Meanwhile be kinder, be more softer, and always remember all the things within you which are worth loving, worth cherishing. Pay attention, listen to the voice at the back of your head which tells you, ‘You are ugly and stupid. You are boring and incapable”, take a deep long breath and remind that voice, “Even if that’s true, I am still worthy of loving and I’m awesome”